made kind of bad cabbage and radish salad with cabbage from the store and radishes from the farmer's market. thought about foods i might make for my mom. thought about if radishes would grow at her place. made myself scared, calmed myself down, made myself scared, calmed myself down. drank the green tea that's been in my cupboard. the cat food cans are dented; i'll need to take the bus back tomorrow morning to switch them out instead of going to the laundromat before work. maybe i'll make a pit stop somewhere on the way, since i'll be out anyway. maybe i'll stop by the donut place? i wish i had a good audiobook to listen to on the bus, but it'll be weeks until the next after annihilation is off hold at the library. imagining different kinds of futures for myself, ways to make the best of a bad situation. if/when i have to move, i'll learn to play the banjo. i'll clean up the kitchen. i'll try to grow some squash. i don't want to resign myself to it, but it's a complicated thing. i'll try to apply to more jobs tonight. i wish i could teach weird little coding/game dev classes in the community. i bet i could ask in the neighborhood discord, but i should try to have a job first. even being away from shadow for a few hours to run errands today, i missed him. i don't especially want to work tomorrow, but i'll finally open the box that's been sitting outside my door when i get back from the pet food place, and then i can use my new shampoo when i shower. oh! floss. that's what i need. i'll have to remember that tomorrow. i've been reading uramichi. a physical copy would be fun, but not exactly my best idea with impending unemployment. i can't wait until my peaches are ripe. maybe i'll use half of one to make some peach syrup. i bet that'd be good in my tea.
aug 19, 2025
bad day. the job search is so hard and i'm itchy.
aug 11, 2025
butternut squash ravioli on the stove. just drank some coffee. cycling the ac on and off. working on one of my other neocities. gotta remember to submit my timesheet. audio is heel turn 1 by the mountain goats, which i believe is unreleased.
aug 9, 2025
i feel like i kind of struggle to "say something" in a void, at least on any sort of schedule. this was always something that frustrated me when i'd try to make little blogs in high school. i'd want to talk, but, in a void, i often didn't feel i had anything to say; at least not with any regularity. i've written and rewritten a few things here tonight, and i think i'm deciding this is, now, what i'm going to say. other things: i'd like to find the cord for my tape player. i've been thinking about physical media lately. obviously i do think it's a valuable thing to have physical media, with corporations snatching back digital copies whenever they want, but i also live in a like 250 sq ft apartment, so... not really much room for anything. i also don't know if/when i'll have to move. i made myself put some more prints up on my wall the other day even knowing that last part, though, and i do think i'm glad that i did. i think i'll dig out some more of my cassettes in the next few days, put them on my shelf, get some batteries for the tape player until i can find that missing cord. i should dust first, though. i did some laundry today. chatted with people at the cafe and at the laundromat, said hello to former coworkers at the grocery store. sang for a bit when i got home, and my throat's hurting me now.
aug 5, 2025
getting shown a lot of videos of contraptions and mechanisms on instagram today. an omen? a gift? a sign? put up some more prints on my wall. had ravioli and potatoes and carrots for dinner. about to watch a single episode of naruto.
aug 3, 2025 part 3
testing, testing. audio is prelude in c sharp minor, from here.
aug 3, 2025 part 2
shopping list: shampoo, floss, paper towels, dish soap, new socks, new washcloths.
aug 3, 2025
(urgent tone) doctor, he's listening to all of murderbot again. yes, it's the fifth time this year.
july 26, 2025 part 2
gavin newsom cut funding to multiple mental health lines like less than a month after bragging about them as a way to "totally pwn trump" for cutting funding to the trevor project. he used those lines to make himself look good and then, once people had stopped paying attention, he cut their funding.
july 26, 2025
i want to write a poem but it doesn't feel right. i was slightly more human today. i got bread and crackers and hummus and carrots from the grocery store and my friend carried 2 of the bags and i carried 1.
july 18, 2025
can't sleep yet but i'm so tired. what a bizarre day. what a bizarre couple of days. got laid off again.
july 11, 2025
[redacted thoughts about work] [more redacted thoughts about work] [sort of more redacted thoughts about work] shadow is sitting against my leg as i write this. i worked on my birthday. my coworkers were so kind to me. my friend brought me a slice of cake, took me to get more of shadow's wet food, and stopped with me to get one of the bad sandwiches i crave every now and then. things are up in the air and changing, and for now many of us are waiting for news, but i will try to be hopeful and take it moment-by-moment.
jun 8, 2025
i'm feeling sicky again. so many things are getting recalled. i keep telling myself i'll take the bus 20 minutes to the better/cheaper grocery store so i don't just have to eat the most disgusting pasta of all time for every meal, and yet... and yet... all i want right now is a mint it's it. people are suddenly playing one of my games from a while back the last few days, and i don't know where they're coming from or how they heard of it.
may 31, 2025
i think my it band is acting up again. something happened on the bus that i didn't quite understand - i think somebody was trying to help me with something but i'm not sure what. i got my favorite mediocre sandwich from a cafe downtown. i crave it every 6 months or so. i think i should probably give up on their drinks being a cost i'm willing to pay, though. everything is like $7 except the iced tea, which is fine, but not worth $4. shadow and i napped with the ac on when i got home. i'm low on groceries but don't have it in me to go out again tomorrow, especially with my legs hurting the way they are. maybe i'll get some things monday before work. probably just more soba noodles and some coffee creamer. i have soup, rice, instant oatmeal, frozen berries, and pasta to tide me over until then anyway. maybe i'll roast some chickpeas in the morning, if i have time. i'm dreading work a little, but i'll play totk on my breaks. some friends and i watched amelie last night over discord. i hadn't seen it in a while. it doesn't always hit, and sometimes it makes me sad, but i liked it again this time. the "your bones are not made of glass" part got me, and the scene where she kisses the guy in a very specific order and then indicates for him to do the same for her always gets to me, too. she gives him this seemingly arbitrary task, or test, and he passes it, kissing her exactly how she asks to be kissed, without taking issue with how potentially arbitrary it might seem outside of her head. of course something ace and autistic about it, to have this very specific thing she wants to give/receive, and to communicate it nonverbally in that way. something about consent, also. something about autistic connection, about aceness, about understanding or not needing to understand it to value it.
may 18, 2025
it kind of feels like food turns to ash in my mouth lately, but i pretended to be a real person and made a nice breakfast this morning. one of the cans of vegetables had a dent in it and i'm telling myself i probably won't get botulism. it was a pretty shallow dent, but it's hard to ignore those kinds of worries lately. i've got an hour and a half til work starts. i slept 13 hours but i want to take a nap. to be fair, 7 of those hours i was sitting on the couch. shadow fell asleep on me, so i slept, too. for work lunch this evening, i'm going to have asparagus and leeks that i made yesterday with some premade vegan ravioli. i only get 30 minutes, unpaid, and my microwave broke over a year ago, so it needs to be something fast. maybe i'll make some coffee after i write this. rereading the locked tomb and murderbot has really helped me get more regulated, i think. i just finished nona last night, and today i'll probably start book 6 of murderbot. maybe i can go back to reading new things after that. or maybe i'll reread murderbot again! who knows.
jan 26, 2025
(said in the tone of a desperate attempt at manifestation, clutching the sink, rictus grin in the mirror) i'm going to do laundry today and i will get out of the house and get there before the cafe down the street closes
jan 21, 2025
yesterday sucked. today's maybe a little better but i'm hungry and i don't have time to make food just yet. i love my cat. he's sitting near me right now. i love that he licked my cheek on my last ten during work yesterday and let me carry him around for a bit. i love that he slept with me on the couch last night. ok. now i'm going to go make a scary phone call perhaps.
dec 31, 2024
called out early from work today. i think i earned it, after last week. the idea that i need to "earn it" is antithetical to what i believe, but it's hard to shake. i've read almost 70 books this year. i bet i can make it to 70 before midnight. i went to the er the other day. shit sucked. i'm thinking and brewing something. i'm gonna try to make a bitsy game for this month's game jam.
dec 7, 2024
ebabz was today. i'm so tired but our table looked cool and we sold some zines, and people took almost all of the free ones. a few people really enjoyed the silly free stickers i was making, too. had to ask a few people to please keep their masks on - they pulled them down to eat despite the rules explicitly asking people to go outside to eat or drink and remain masked at all times. a million psychic weapon attacks upon them. i'm gonna put a little cardboard "shelf" on my front door with a note and a few zines so my neighbors can take some for free if they want them. my door is metal, so i bet i can figure something out with some of my fridge magnets. i'm so excited to sleep a lot. first, though, i need to clean the cat's litter box and wash his water bowls.
nov 24, 2024
i'm feeling sort of emotionally itchy today. i miss making games. it's been a while. i've had one set as restricted for a bit now - maybe i'll finally post it? i'll share the link to the neocities for the tiny artist collective some friends and i made to apply to a zine fest together soon, too.
nov 2, 2024
not to brag, but i got out of the house today and got a latte and a donut and a sandwich and then i ate at the park. i managed to stay awake. hopefully that bodes well for the rest of the week.
july 27, 2024
what a strange week. but i did some difficult things and i enjoyed the weather and i did an okay job and today i had a pretty okay sandwich and i just watched a movie over discord with my friends. everything ever is hard and overwhelming and too much and i crumble at the first sign of bureaucracy or red tape but i did okay this week. i even sang. and i can't quite see the shape of this yet and i'm still sketching it out but wow what a thing to be here.
july 15, 2024
i've been looking at dollhouse furniture and little sheets of tiling for dollhouses. i think i'm going to try to make a tiny dollhouse sauna for some gachapon animals i got the other day. work training continues. i wonder what else i should add here. song of the day, up at the top of the microblog page? a page for thoughts on some of the books i've been reading? maybe i finally make my poetry page more find-able (it's currently a little bit hidden). i've been listening to the album "driver" by adult mom again this week. it'd been a while. still good. the sunburn's started peeling.
july 14, 2024
hi bignastytruck nation. this is my first microblog entry. i'm writing this while screensharing to two lovely friends on discord. we are listening to the playlist "jakarta night drive- 70/80s indonesian pop kreatif/city pop/jazz." i've been really enjoying designing web pages like this one lately. i've been doing it a lot on a new neocities i made with friends that i haven't linked to from my own site yet, but surely will soon. i'm trying to figure out what the difference will be between this microblog and my gaiaonline journal, which i've essentially been using as a little blog/journal thing for a while now on and off. we'll see! if nothing else it was fun to make the page. here's the font i used for the header. i think it's really good.
